When Love Isn't Enough: Rethinking Our Obligations to Toxic Parents

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When Love Isn't Enough: Rethinking Our Obligations to Toxic Parents

Oprah's recent podcast on adult children going no contact with their parents has reignited a conversation that makes many people deeply uncomfortable. But it's a conversation we need to have. Here's what I keep coming back to: if your friend, your colleague, or even your spouse treated you the way some parents treat their adult children, everyone in your life would tell you to set boundaries or walk away....

Oprah's recent podcast on adult children going no contact with their parents has reignited a conversation that makes many people deeply uncomfortable. But it's a conversation we need to have.

Here's what I keep coming back to: if your friend, your colleague, or even your spouse treated you the way some parents treat their adult children, everyone in your life would tell you to set boundaries or walk away. Yet when that same harmful behavior comes from a parent, suddenly we're expected to endure it indefinitely. Why? Because they're family. Because they're your mother or father. Because "that's just how they are."

I want to challenge this thinking.

The Double Standard We Accept Without Question

We've all heard the justifications. "But she's your mother." "He's your father, you only get one." "Family is family." These phrases are meant to end the conversation, to make us feel guilty for even considering distance from a parent who causes us harm.

But let's apply this same logic elsewhere. Imagine a friend who constantly criticizes you, undermines your achievements, and makes you feel small. A friend who violates your boundaries, dismisses your feelings, and refuses to acknowledge the pain they cause. Would anyone tell you to keep that friend in your life? Of course not. You'd be encouraged to protect yourself, to recognize that relationship as unhealthy, and to step away.

So why do we accept a completely different standard when that person happens to be a parent?

What the Bible Really Says About Parent-Child Relationships

For those who lean on faith, "Honor thy mother and father" (Exodus 20:12) often gets weaponized to keep adult children tethered to toxic parents. It's quoted as an absolute command, a non-negotiable directive that supersedes our own wellbeing. But here's what often gets conveniently left out of that conversation: the Bible also instructs parents on their responsibilities.

Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." Colossians 3:21 warns, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." These aren't suggestions. They're commands, just like the one to honor parents.

The biblical model of family relationships isn't one-sided. It's reciprocal. Yes, children are called to honor their parents, but parents are equally called to treat their children with respect, to nurture rather than antagonize, to build up rather than tear down. When a parent consistently violates their biblical responsibility to their child, we have to ask: what does honor actually look like in that situation?

Honor doesn't mean accepting abuse. It doesn't mean allowing yourself to be diminished, manipulated, or harmed. Sometimes the most honorable thing we can do is to step back, set boundaries, and refuse to participate in a dynamic that damages us both.

The Burden We Never Asked For

Here's an uncomfortable truth: children don't choose to be born. We had no say in being brought into this world, yet somehow we're saddled with an indefinite obligation to accept mistreatment from the very people who made that choice for us. We're told we owe them something, gratitude, loyalty, endless patience, simply because they're our parents.

But parenthood isn't just a title. It's not a permanent hall pass to treat your children however you want without consequences. Being someone's mother or father doesn't grant immunity from basic standards of decent human behavior.

I always taught my children that they did not want to be that person people whispered "That's just how he/she is" about before they entered the room. That phrase isn't a badge of authenticity or a sign of someone who "tells it like it is." It's a warning label. It's code for "brace yourself, this person is difficult, and they refuse to change." When we use that phrase to excuse a parent's harmful behavior, we're essentially saying their comfort with being difficult matters more than our need to be treated well.

Character Isn't Determined by Blood

In my work as a counselor, I've learned this: malicious people are malicious. Mean people are mean. Selfish people are selfish. And these qualities don't disappear or become acceptable simply because someone shares your DNA.

A parent who is manipulative, controlling, or emotionally abusive isn't less harmful because of their title. In fact, the abuse of that position, the weaponizing of "I'm your mother" or "I'm your father" to justify harmful behavior, makes it worse, not better. These individuals are leveraging the very relationship that's supposed to provide safety and love to inflict damage.

Redefining What We Owe

As adults, we have the right to decide who has access to us. We get to determine what treatment we'll accept and what we won't. This isn't selfishness. This isn't cruelty. This is self-preservation.

Think about what we teach children from an early age. We tell them to speak up if someone treats them inappropriately. We say, "Tell a trusted adult right away so we can protect you and deal with that person." We empower them to recognize harmful behavior and to seek help without shame or guilt. But here's the question that haunts so many adult children: who do we tell when the person treating us inappropriately is our parent? Who protects us then? And why is it that the very lesson we teach children about self-protection somehow doesn't apply when they grow up and the harmful person happens to be Mom or Dad?

We don't tell children to tolerate mistreatment because someone is older, has authority, or provides for them. Yet that's exactly what we expect from adults dealing with toxic parents. The rules change, not because the harm is less real, but because we've collectively decided that parental relationships are exempt from the basic standards we apply everywhere else.

Going no contact or setting firm boundaries with a parent isn't about punishment or revenge. It's about recognizing that you deserve the same consideration, respect, and kindness that you'd expect in any other relationship. It's about understanding that being related to someone doesn't obligate you to endure their toxicity.

A Word to Those With Healthy Parent Relationships

If you're blessed with a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with your parents, that's truly beautiful. Having that sort of peace and connection is priceless, and I celebrate that with you. But I ask you to extend empathy and save the judgment toward those who don't have that experience. Your reality doesn't negate theirs. Just because your parents were loving and supportive doesn't mean everyone else's were. When someone tells you they've had to distance themselves from a parent, resist the urge to suggest they "try harder" or "give them another chance." You don't know what they've already endured, how many chances they've already given, or how much it cost them to finally choose themselves. Sometimes the kindest thing you can offer is simply to listen and believe them.

Moving Forward

If you're someone who has had to make the difficult choice to distance yourself from a parent, or if you're considering it, please know this: you're not selfish for protecting yourself. You're not mean for enforcing boundaries. You're not wrong for expecting to be treated with basic human decency.

I'm not at all saying that talking to a parent about your hurts or even seeking counseling if both parties are willing isn't a good idea. These can absolutely be valuable steps toward healing and reconciliation when there's genuine willingness to change on both sides. But don't let the possibility of reconciliation become an excuse or a societal guilt-influenced reason for keeping a toxic person, parent or not, in your life to the detriment of your mental health and wellbeing. Your safety and peace matter more than the appearance of an intact family or the comfort of others who don't understand your situation.

The relationship between parent and child is meant to be one of nurture, support, and love. When it becomes a source of ongoing harm, we have every right to choose differently, regardless of what society tells us we "should" do.

Because at the end of the day, toxic is toxic, whether it comes from a stranger, a friend, or the person who gave birth to you.